watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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