Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
