handjob tips. give me some.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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