a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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