If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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