I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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