I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
