sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
