Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
