I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
