i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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