if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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