Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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