It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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