also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
