billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We need a shit load of segways right now
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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