I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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