Got a toothbrush?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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