I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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