I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
