Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
