I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
