I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
