let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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