if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
