I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
