I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
