i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
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By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
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Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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