I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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