I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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