ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
