just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
