Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
