I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
