I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
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Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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