Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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