I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
