i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
