im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
