Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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