I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
