Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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