I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
