dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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