alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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