my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
