Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
