I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Randomize