Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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