U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
