Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
