He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
