I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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