can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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